Feeling Lost

Hello! It’s been a while…again. Can you believe it’s been almost two months since I moved to university? I certainly can’t. I thought I’d take some time to sit down and write today as I’ve been struggling a bit recently to be honest. University has been hard, but not in the ways I thought it would be and these past few days I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

I am enjoying being here and I’m not really homesick, which is what I thought I might struggle with, however I just feel a bit lost at the moment, which I guess is normal as university is such a big change in your life.

I have settled in here and found friends which I am grateful for – I honestly thought making friends would be the hardest part but I seem to have just found a group of course mates who I get along with, which is good. Yet I’m struggling to develop those friendships and get to know people better. I think it’s the nature of my course as well because we only have 9 contact hours per week, so it takes longer and more effort to get to know people than at secondary school or college when you spend the whole day with people. Also I can’t shake the though that I’ve missed 18 years of my new friend’s lives and that I’ll never be able to have the same bond with them as I do with my friends from home.

It’s difficult being in a new place where nobody knows me well as I feel like I’m losing my sense of self, if that makes sense, because I don’t have my childhood friends to ground me and remind me of who I am and what makes me me. It’s a weird thought but for the past 18 years, I’ve only known who I am in relation to those friends and my family back home, so now I don’t have those familiarities, it feels like I have to shape a new identity for myself here and because I have been internally questioning several aspects of my identity, I feel like I’ve lost any sense of myself that I once understood through my friends perceptions of me.

Pretty much since I’ve moved in I’ve been stressed about finding housemates for next year and I feel like I haven’t really been able to enjoy the present as I keep worrying about the future to the extent that I’m losing sleep over it, which I know is ridiculous because in reality there will still be houses available in May/June time, but everyone seems to be rushing into making plans. 

I also keep comparing myself to my friends at other unis, who seem to have settled in really well, found a group of really good friends and some of them have already put deposits on houses for next year, which is adding to my stress as I don’t know why things haven’t been so easy and straightforward for me. But I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has a different experience of university and that is okay. Everyone deals with change differently and I’m not a failure because I haven’t 100% figured out where I fit in here.

Everything seems very up in the air at the moment and I’m not sure what’s going on or whether I’m making the right choices for myself anymore. You may know that I actually changed my degree in the first few weeks of term from French and Politics to Politics and International Relations. Whilst I am happier with the modules I am taking now, it’s hard to adjust to the fact that I will no longer be getting a modern languages degree, which had been my plan for the past year or so, so now everything about my future seems uncertain. I feel like university has made me lose sense of who I am in a way, because for the past few years languages have been a big part of my life and something that I saw myself using in my future career, however since coming here, I haven’t been able to connect with that part of me, hence why I changed degree and changed my future plans.

Sometimes I wonder if I had taken a gap year, like I had been considering due to nerves in the run up to uni, whether I would have been more ready to go to uni and ready to study French again. Because I worked so hard for French at A Level, I feel like when I started studying it at uni again I was exhausted from studying it which is why I wasn’t enjoying it and consequently dropped it. 

I don’t know if I regret dropping French or not, because I am definitely a lot happier and more settled just being in one department, but at the same time I feel like I’ve betrayed myself and a lot of doors have closed for me. I’m worried I won’t be able to regain touch with the part of me that loves languages and culture again because I’ve put myself on a different path. 

It’s scary not knowing what I’m doing with my life and if I’m making the right choices or if I just feel too pressured to pursue what’s right for me. 

Everything seems so difficult at the moment and I really feel like I’ve lost connection with myself whilst adapting to all the changes over the past few months. 

I keep thinking about how it feels like time hasn’t moved since August and I’m worried that’s because I’ve been making choices that haven’t been right for me and that’s why I haven’t felt like myself lately.

Honestly, I just wish I could go back to college where I had a clearer idea of who I am and what I want to do because right now I’m not sure about anything and I’m just hoping that I haven’t made a mess of my life. Part of me just wants to run away from it all and take time out to figure out what I really want to do, but that feels wrong too.

I’m sorry this hasn’t been a very cheery update, I am generally okay and enjoying university life, it’s just sometimes I have moments like this where I question everything and feel overwhelmed and so I thought it was best to write my feelings out in the hope that someone might be able to relate. 

Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you are all doing well and hopefully I’ll be back soon with a more positive post. 🙂

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Rambling about uni instead of doing the stuff I need to do AHH

Okay, time for another ramble because I can’t seem to keep hold of blogging ideas for more than two minutes before I get distracted by something else AHAHHAH. I’m moving to uni in 10 days (help) so things are a little busy/stressful/hectic at the moment!! I thought I’d take some time to write down my current thoughts about moving out though.

This week has been weird as some of my friends have moved out already and others i’ve met up with for the last time before uni. It’s WEIRD thinking that some of my friends are already at uni. I kind of wish my term started earlier as I’m the last to leave from my friendship group, which isn’t a bad thing but the longer I have to wait, the more nervous/excited I get about moving into my university halls.

At the moment, I’m a bit stressed because I can’t pack anymore than I have done as we don’t have many suitcases/boxes so I have to wait until my sister moves back to uni on Saturday before I can pack anymore, which means I’m a bit restless at the moment because there are lots of things that I need to do before university, but can’t currently do. Also, I still haven’t got my full timetable or chosen my optional modules for French which is stressing me out a bit as I don’t know what’s going on, not to mention I have no clue which induction talks I have to go to in Fresher’s Week because I’m split between two departments. Speaking of Fresher’s Week, I can’t buy my tickets for event until Monday ahhhh. For someone who likes to be organised, it’s difficult having to wait for things to be sorted, but I’m trying to be patient!!

As for moving out itself, I’m quite looking forward to it. I found out my flat number last week and have met a few flatmates online which is reassuring. I’m looking forward to having my own space in my room and being able to cook what I want to eat, although I’m sure cooking will come with it’s own challenges! I am nervous about meeting my flatmates and course mates though – I’m hoping we get on well, but I’m trying to keep an open mind and just embrace everything as it comes.

I’m worried I’m going to forget something whilst packing because although I’ve written a big list, I’m bound to miss something, especially as I’ve been packing for the past few weeks rather in one go, I can’t remember which boxes and bags everything is in, which will make it interesting when I unpack, I’m sure.

I’ve been trying to keep busy this past week or so, meeting up with friends, going on days out and a few goodbye parties. In a way it’s been nice as I feel like I’m making the most of my last few weeks at home, but I haven’t had much time to do important things that need doing before I start, so that’s my plan for next week.

I’m sorry this is a little all over the place – that’s been my constant mood lately -but I think my blog is going to be like this for a while as I’m settling in and adjusting to a new environment, but hopefully I’ll post the odd update here or there!

To anyone that’s starting uni or college this year, I hope it’s goes/is going well!!

Bye for now 🙂

(Also, sorry this post is horribly incoherent and rushed!!)

A Cliché Ramble About Happiness

Hello! This post is a culmination of thoughts that have been floating around my head for the best part of a month now, stemming from my trip to North Wales in late July.

I feel like I’ve learnt a lot in the past 6 months (ish). After my friendship group fell apart and I lost the close circle of people who made me happy (well, that’s before everything became a mess) I spent a great deal of time feeling lonely and lost. Being at sixth form kind of felt like being in a bubble. It was easy to forget that people, problems and life existed outside of those that I’d encounter everyday and couldn’t escape from. I thought losing these friends and being on the ‘outside’ of the bubble was the end of the world but as I later found out, it was the start of a new part of my life where I have a greater sense of self and inner-happiness that didn’t existed when I was wrapped up in friendships that weren’t made to last.

When I confided this to a good friend of mine, she reassured me that I will be happy if I try not to depend on others too much to make me happy. At first I sort of dismissed the idea that I depended on other people, but the more I started to think about it, the more I realised she was right. I was in a mindset where I thought the more people I surrounded myself, the happier I would be but even when I was surrounded by others, I would feel lonely and the only logical solution I could come up with was to shut myself off from everyone. Part of this mindset stemmed from the unhealthy relationship that I had with social media where I would think that because I wasn’t constantly doing stuff with my friends and posting it everywhere, I couldn’t be happy which is RIDICULOUS.

When I went to Wales, that week away, without social media, camping in the countryside really helped me to clear my head and sort through some repressed thoughts and feelings. It helped me to change my mindset and get a better perspective on life again.

The main point of this post was to talk about happiness, so let’s get back to that. For the longest time I’ve told myself that I won’t be truly happy until I can accept myself and I can’t accept myself until I know who I am. I am a very deep thinker and I strongly feel that I barely have a sense of who I am yet. But after yet more deep thinking, I’ve realised that this is okay, that I can be happy and find peace without knowing who I am. If I can accept myself no matter who I am, who I was and who I turn out to be, then I can be at peace with myself.

A while ago I talked about my crisis of identity specifically regarding what clothing I feel comfortable in and how I present myself and lately I’ve been feeling a lot happier about how I look. Finding clothing that you feel comfortable in really does help your self-confidence and I know I feel a lot happier when I’m wearing clothes that feel right on me, rather than trying to fit in with society’s ideals of what a teenage girl should wear. And I think the more comfortable I feel in what I’m wearing, the more ‘me’ I feel and the more I can be the person who I know I am inside but rarely gets shown on the outside. So I’ve made a bit of progress with accepting myself in that sense, knowing that I shouldn’t force myself to wear particular clothes to fit in. I still don’t know where this fits in relationship to my gender identity, but that’s okay.

This all sounds rather cliché, I know, as happiness can never be a constant state or emotion, otherwise we’d get used to it and take it for granted. For me, happiness is a journey of discovering more about myself, watching myself grow and finding my place in the world. I can’t be happy all the time, but I know that however low I am feeling, happiness will catch up with me again at some point in my life.

I think I’m becoming better at not depending on other people for happiness, thanks to the advice from my friend and the time spent reflecting on things and I hope that I will continue to become more comfortable with myself and grateful for life as time goes by.

I know this has been a little all over the place but sometimes I find it’s best to just splurge my thoughts out onto a (digital) page in order to make sense of them. 🙂

1 am musings

The amount of past-midnight posts I’ve written and not bothered publishing in the past few weeks is reaching a worrying amount but maybe I’ll actually post these sleep-deprived musings for once.

So, I’ve just got back from a night out. Or what was supposed to be. I’m the type of person that gets very, very stressed before certain social events that I am not 100% comfortable with and as I am not used to going out clubbing, this was sort of out of my comfort zone a bit. So before even going out, I was already feeling very anxious – I was worrying about all kinds of things like not being able to find my friends in the pub, getting lost and even the possibility that my friends would stand me up (because I’m just a bit paranoid at the moment when it comes to friendships). The friends I was meeting I’ve known for a long time but hadn’t seen them since exams in June, so that also made me nervous because I wasn’t sure if things were going to be awkward between us.

Eventually I managed to persuade myself to go and I found my friends and for a little while the nerves calmed down but to cut a long (boring) story short, I ended up being so stressed and overwhelmed that I felt really nauseous and on the verge of breaking down in tears (which is what happened the last time I drank so I think me and alcohol just don’t mix anymore). So I came home early before we’d even made it to the club, however I’m still proud of myself for actually going out to town on my own, I might add, to meet these friends when it would have been all too easy to say I couldn’t make it, as I have done in the past with social events for a multitude of (mostly irrational) reasons. So I think that counts as some progress???

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was what was making me feel overwhelmed. When I was with my friends, I kept thinking about how much I’ve changed since June and how different I am. I felt as if I’d been living in a different world to them these past few months and I can’t relate to them as much anymore. I guess I have changed. I’ve been making a conscious effort to really work on my self-esteem and confidence and find what makes me feel alive, as such. It felt like they didn’t know me anymore, the real me, because they hadn’t witnessed how I’ve changed and I hadn’t been there to see how they’ve changed too. It kind of made me sad, in a way, as I’ve known these people since Year 7 and although I’ve never been as close to them as they are to eachother, I am grateful for their friendship and we’ve shared many happy memories, but I’ve realised we’re on diverging paths that are growing farther and farther apart.

Going out last night really did prove to me that that just isn’t me. Sure having a laugh with friends is great, but the pressure around going out and drinking really makes me uncomfortable and I find it hard to relax enough to enjoy the experience. Let alone I can’t dance so if I do ever make it to a club I feel very awkward. I also wore a skirt because I feel there is also a pressure surrounding how you should dress on a night out, even though I didn’t feel comfortable or like myself wearing such clothing and make-up. It was like I was trying to be someone who I am not, who I maybe used to want to be but now have realised I can’t force myself to be something I am not.

Another thing that got me thinking was that we bumped into an old friend who I’d known for about 12 years then sadly drifted away from. She chatted with me for a bit whilst I waited for my parents to pick me up. It was strange because I haven’t seen her for over a year, yet I feel like she instantly knew me better than the friendship group I was out with. Talking to her for a few minutes felt familiar and easy because although I’ve changed a lot since I last saw her, when we were good friends she really knew me and I could be more myself around her than my other friends.

I read something a few days ago, can’t remember where, about not feeling like you fit in with your friends and I could certainly relate to it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy spending time with this group or value their friendship, it just often feels like I’m the odd one out. I have a stronger sense of who I am now then when I last saw my friends. Whereas fitting in used to be my main priority – or trying to at least – I know now that you can’t make yourself fit into a group of people who are very different from you.

So as you can tell, the supposed night out didn’t quite turn out how I expected and I am now lying in bed with hundreds of questions floating around my head and I can’t quite out my finger in the answers. I guess realising now who I am and who I am not means I am probably ready to move on, to move to uni and meet a more diverse range of people. This whole experience felt like stepping backwards into a former version of myself that I left behind long ago and that I don’t really want to be again. Like trying on old clothes that no longer fit. I retreated into myself and became very quiet again as I was for a long time. I used to think that being shy was all I could ever be, but now I know there is more to me, I am a whole person with interests and positive traits and important things to say, but most people only get to see the quiet version of me. I’ve realised in some social situations, I really don’t show any of my personality at all – it must be like talking to a brick wall sometimes, it’s a wonder I still have friends. However I want to be ‘me’ all the time. It’s going to be hard to break down these walls which have been ingrained in me for so, so long and are very complex, but I’m determined to try.

I do hope I can keep in contact with my friends though, as I will miss them at uni, but I think it’s time I branched off a bit and found people who I can really relate to and be myself around.

Hope you found some enjoyment or interest in these random musings! I’m sure I will look back on this in a few months time and realised I have changed again. But for now I must try to sleep off this banging headache and nausea.

F a l l i n g in Love

Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of someone? Maybe this someone is someone in particular, someone you know in your life, or maybe they’re just a vision of someone you hope exists and whom you’ll one day meet.

Sometimes, we fall in love with the little things, like the way you feel when this someone’s eyes catch your gaze, even for a second. Sometimes our love grows exponentially until the foundations of the person who we first fell for are lost in a blur of hopes and fantasies about who this person could be, or who we want them to be.

Maybe, in this way, we are not falling in love with someone themselves, but a certain type of someone. The person from whom these feelings stemmed may no longer be the object of love itself – instead we have fallen in love with the characteristics of this person and the idea that a ‘perfect’ person exists based on these ideals.

I wouldn’t say that I am in love with someone in particular, but more with the idea of being in love, one day, whether that the soon or decades away. Maybe we don’t have to be in love with someone to experience love, maybe we can just be in love with the idea of someone who we may meet in years to come.

Maybe this collection of thoughts is slightly too non-sensical and maybe my understanding of love is misjudged. But maybe one day these words might make more sense to someone, somewhere. I hope.

I Am Not A Writer

As a blogger, I understand why the title of this post may seem misleading. Confusing? I don’t know which is the better word. I enjoy reading posts written by fellow bloggers from all corners of the world, all of whom have their own writing style, their own talents, their own themes of which they like to discuss. The more and more I read the words of other people, the more I come to the conclusion that I am not a writer. Words don’t come easily to the (virtual) page for me. My writing doesn’t have that effortless flow that some writers seem to be naturally gifted with. I am not a writer, I am a thinker. I write because I want to share my thoughts but the clarity of my writing never matches that of the thoughts that stimulate my mind. You see, what I’m writing now isn’t entirely what I’m thinking, because sometimes thoughts are not formed of words, they are feelings, images, sounds, impulses, which I do not have the ability to translate into a language that others can understand. I do, however, enjoy writing. It’s an outlet for my creative mind and a way for me to document my thoughts and feelings as I grow up. Maybe even the most well-written of bloggers still doubt their ability to write. Or maybe they don’t. Maybe I do have a style but I am just unable to recognise or identify it. It doesn’t bother me that I am not a writer, it’s just amusing that I’ve only just realised it. But I will continue writing nonetheless, and so should you even if you don’t feel as though you are a natural writer! Anyway, that’s enough musing for one day, back to revision for me. 🙂

Bubbles Within Bubbles Within Bubbles: It’s a Small World (and a Great Show)

Prepare yourselves for some early-morning-should-be-sleeping thoughts on life and all that jazz. I got home from watching The Greatest Showman about half an hour ago and my what an INCREDIBLE film it was. It made me very emotional, and got be thinking about lots of things, one of them being about people.

The title song of the film includes the lyrics “this is the greatest show” and bear with me while I digress but I want to try to explain the realisation it sparked in my mind. 

You know when you spend a lot of time with the same people, day through a shared experience such as a school residential or perfoming (more relevantly) in a show or something, when you spend every waking minute with them and it feels like your living part of their life for a while because everything you’re doing, you’re doing together and you make so many memories that make you nostalgic? It’s hard to explain but I used to get that feeling a lot on scout camps for example. It’s like for a few days you’re in this sort of “bubble” with the same people, sharing the same experiences and life seems great because it’s simplified and watered-down to a much smaller scale. To me these experiences feel like “the greatest show”, the greatest version of life I could be living.

When I was watching the film, in the scenes where this song is sung specifically, my mind was basically blown by the fact that everyone is inside this sort of “bubble” and that maybe the “bubble” extends over the whole world and we’re all part of this “great show” that is life. That everyone has the power to be unique and incredible and the world is a whole lot smaller than we think – it doesn’t matter if you meet someone online or in real life, we are all in this together, living alongside eachother and being part of eachother’s lives. 

I feel like I haven’t done this idea justice but I had to share it before it vanished. I want to watch the film again immediately to try to explore this idea more (and obviously because it was such a great film)!

Anyway, I should get some sleep now. If this made any sense to you please let me know, I hope I’m not going mad!