Today, for some reason, my mind won’t stop whirring with thoughts. Like deep thoughts about life and stuff. I’m usually quite a deep thinker anyway, but today my mind is just an explosion, in a good way though.
As you may know from other rambling posts, I have been questioning my sexuality and identity for a few years now, but it’s become more intense in the past few months. Especially (inconveniently) in exam season when I was sort of stuck in this phase of ‘I don’t know who I am’. Then those feelings sort of disappeared for a little while as I came out to one of my closest friends and I felt a bit relieved to not have to ‘hide’ around everyone.
The past few days, however, I’ve started thinking about stuff again so I thought I’d try to write it out to make sense of my feelings and maybe it’ll help someone out there too who is questioning their identity.
I am bisexual. Or I’m pretty sure I am. I am attracted to both men and women, but the attraction I feel towards different genders is different, so sometimes that makes me question whether I am bisexual as I often go through long periods of being attracted to solely men or women. But for now that label feels okay, I’m not 100% comfortable with it but for now that’s what I’m going with.
One thing I’ve been noticing over the past few months is that the way I think about gender, or my gender, has changed. I’ve never really questioned my gender before, and I’m not sure if I’m questioning it now, but something ‘feels’ different. This is mainly in relation to clothing and the way I present and perceive myself. I find myself more and more shopping or browsing in the ‘men’s’ section which I know doesn’t really mean much as I don’t agree that clothes have a particular gender anyway, but I’m finding that I feel more comfortable dressing in a masculine way and it’s confusing me a bit.
Sometimes I’ll put on a dress or floral top or something and feel so uncomfortable I have to change immediately. Which is weird because although I was never a ‘girly’ girl as a child, during my teenagers I have been comfortable wearing these types of clothing up until recently. But now…I don’t know.
I find myself looking to men for fashion inspiration and wanting to wear men’s clothing. My friend and I often joke about my shirt obsession (I have too many oops) but itsy true that I feel most comfortable and happy in them because they feel masculine to me and I like the way I look when I wear them, especially with my brogues, which also happen to be from the men’s section. I don’t think it’s that I’m particularly attracted to men that dress in the way I try to (although I am attracted to some men but that’s another thing argh), it’s more like I want to ‘be’ them, I want to look like them and it’s SO CONFUSING.
However I know it’s perfectly okay to be female and wear more ‘masculine’ clothing and I should wear whatever makes me feel the most comfortable. I’m just confused as to why, all of a sudden, I feel the need to distance myself from anything feminine. But I’m not going to stress over it too much. For the moment, I am happy and I know that I’m discovering more about myself and who I am everyday. I’ll find the answer someday, but for now I’ve just got to do what makes me comfortable.
It feels a little weird writing about this, as it’s something I’ve never talked about before despite being at the back of my mind. If you can relate, I’d love to hear your perspective on things. 🙂