I feel like all I write on here is rambling, negative posts about university and I’m sorry, I’m trying to be more positive and I want to get back into blogging properly but it’s hard when you’re not feeling yourself. In all honestly, I’m not coping with university very well. I mean, anyone looking in from the outside would disagree – academically I am doing well, I turn up to all my classes, I do the work, I have made friends and I am managing to cook for myself but on the inside I do not feel happy, or as happy as I could be.
One of the hardest things I’ve found about being at university is that you are the only person that knows who you are. It’s taken me a while to put my finger on it, but I think this is been something I’ve been struggling with ever since I got here. Sure, starting at a university where you know nobody would be hard, I knew that, but I it’s not hard in the way that I thought it was. Making friends has been fairly easy as everyone wants to make new friends as much as you do, but it’s really, really hard feeling like even the friends you have made don’t really know who you are and that they all have different perceptions of you, none of which reflect your true self.
As someone who has never had a strong sense of identity (hence my various crises over sexuality) and has never been very self-confident, being somewhere where I don’t have my friends and family to remind me of who I am is very difficult. I just feel lost, to be honest, like I’m not living my life anymore and I’m just doing things because that’s what I’m expected to do or that’s what other people think I should be doing. I don’t feel like the life I’m living reflects my inner values and self and I don’t know what I can do to fix it.
I make it sound like I don’t like university at all, which is not true because generally I like living away from home and being independent, I am enjoying my course even though I’m still a bit shaken up and uncertain if this is the right path for me after changing my degree in first term, I do have some friends and sometimes do fun stuff with them, but there’s this recurring feeling of being lost and not feeling like I fit in here or that being at uni is the right thing for me at all. Quite honestly, all this thinking and questioning is exhausting.
I do spend a lot of time by myself at uni as I don’t have many contact hours and I haven’t really clicked with my flatmates, which is fine when I’m having a good day as I don’t mind my own company and I sometimes find socialising tiring after a while anyway, but when I’m tired or stressed or something happens which triggers a negative spiral of thoughts, I really struggle being by myself as I spend too much time in my head.
It’s frustrating because I want to enjoy myself at university and I don’t want to be held back by this mess of thoughts, but I just seem to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of feeling down and lost at the moment.
I try not to talk about how I’m feeling with my friends and family back home as I feel like it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through the same thing. As far as they’re concerned, I’m having a great time at university and my parents couldn’t be happier that I’ve settled in ‘so well’. Even with my friends at uni, I feel like I can’t open up to them because if anything I feel like they’re having a much better time than me and I don’t want to feel like a burden.
I’m not sure what this post is meant to be, I just have a lot of thoughts and I need to get them out.
I hope you’re all doing well and I really hope I can find the energy to write some positive posts about uni life sometime soon. For now I’m just going to try to work on taking care of myself because I want this term to go better than the last!