Feeling Lost

Hello! It’s been a while…again. Can you believe it’s been almost two months since I moved to university? I certainly can’t. I thought I’d take some time to sit down and write today as I’ve been struggling a bit recently to be honest. University has been hard, but not in the ways I thought it would be and these past few days I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

I am enjoying being here and I’m not really homesick, which is what I thought I might struggle with, however I just feel a bit lost at the moment, which I guess is normal as university is such a big change in your life.

I have settled in here and found friends which I am grateful for – I honestly thought making friends would be the hardest part but I seem to have just found a group of course mates who I get along with, which is good. Yet I’m struggling to develop those friendships and get to know people better. I think it’s the nature of my course as well because we only have 9 contact hours per week, so it takes longer and more effort to get to know people than at secondary school or college when you spend the whole day with people. Also I can’t shake the though that I’ve missed 18 years of my new friend’s lives and that I’ll never be able to have the same bond with them as I do with my friends from home.

It’s difficult being in a new place where nobody knows me well as I feel like I’m losing my sense of self, if that makes sense, because I don’t have my childhood friends to ground me and remind me of who I am and what makes me me. It’s a weird thought but for the past 18 years, I’ve only known who I am in relation to those friends and my family back home, so now I don’t have those familiarities, it feels like I have to shape a new identity for myself here and because I have been internally questioning several aspects of my identity, I feel like I’ve lost any sense of myself that I once understood through my friends perceptions of me.

Pretty much since I’ve moved in I’ve been stressed about finding housemates for next year and I feel like I haven’t really been able to enjoy the present as I keep worrying about the future to the extent that I’m losing sleep over it, which I know is ridiculous because in reality there will still be houses available in May/June time, but everyone seems to be rushing into making plans. 

I also keep comparing myself to my friends at other unis, who seem to have settled in really well, found a group of really good friends and some of them have already put deposits on houses for next year, which is adding to my stress as I don’t know why things haven’t been so easy and straightforward for me. But I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has a different experience of university and that is okay. Everyone deals with change differently and I’m not a failure because I haven’t 100% figured out where I fit in here.

Everything seems very up in the air at the moment and I’m not sure what’s going on or whether I’m making the right choices for myself anymore. You may know that I actually changed my degree in the first few weeks of term from French and Politics to Politics and International Relations. Whilst I am happier with the modules I am taking now, it’s hard to adjust to the fact that I will no longer be getting a modern languages degree, which had been my plan for the past year or so, so now everything about my future seems uncertain. I feel like university has made me lose sense of who I am in a way, because for the past few years languages have been a big part of my life and something that I saw myself using in my future career, however since coming here, I haven’t been able to connect with that part of me, hence why I changed degree and changed my future plans.

Sometimes I wonder if I had taken a gap year, like I had been considering due to nerves in the run up to uni, whether I would have been more ready to go to uni and ready to study French again. Because I worked so hard for French at A Level, I feel like when I started studying it at uni again I was exhausted from studying it which is why I wasn’t enjoying it and consequently dropped it. 

I don’t know if I regret dropping French or not, because I am definitely a lot happier and more settled just being in one department, but at the same time I feel like I’ve betrayed myself and a lot of doors have closed for me. I’m worried I won’t be able to regain touch with the part of me that loves languages and culture again because I’ve put myself on a different path. 

It’s scary not knowing what I’m doing with my life and if I’m making the right choices or if I just feel too pressured to pursue what’s right for me. 

Everything seems so difficult at the moment and I really feel like I’ve lost connection with myself whilst adapting to all the changes over the past few months. 

I keep thinking about how it feels like time hasn’t moved since August and I’m worried that’s because I’ve been making choices that haven’t been right for me and that’s why I haven’t felt like myself lately.

Honestly, I just wish I could go back to college where I had a clearer idea of who I am and what I want to do because right now I’m not sure about anything and I’m just hoping that I haven’t made a mess of my life. Part of me just wants to run away from it all and take time out to figure out what I really want to do, but that feels wrong too.

I’m sorry this hasn’t been a very cheery update, I am generally okay and enjoying university life, it’s just sometimes I have moments like this where I question everything and feel overwhelmed and so I thought it was best to write my feelings out in the hope that someone might be able to relate. 

Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you are all doing well and hopefully I’ll be back soon with a more positive post. 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Feeling Lost

  1. Em! It’s been a while since I commented on one of your posts or even posted myself. I am feeling very similar to you regarding friends at uni. I have really struggled to make friends, I don’t drink and am not into clubbing which has actually been quite an issue, I think a few people have been put off by my not liking of going out. I have 8 hours contact time so I know what you mean when you say it’s difficult to make friends on a personal level with people you see so rarely. I guess those who are doing science subjects where they spend forever in the lab make friends quickly. I seem to be holed up in my room reading and reading! I have also been freaking out about who to live with, that is all anyone can talk about at the moment and currently, it looks like I’ll be looking at ads for those with a spare room which is not ideal. Hopefully, you’ll find someone, I think it househunting etc properly starts in January. Concerning the french thing, maybe you could still be a part of the society so that you still get a feel for the language or culture or does your uni offer a year abroad in France for the politics course? Hope you’re doing well now, despite all of this! You’re still my favourite blogger!! Jess x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey! So nice to hear from you! I’m sorry you’ve been feeling a similar way but in a way it helps to know we’re not going through this alone! I think contact hours is part of the problem of making friends as when you hardly see people it is really difficult to get to know them, but we’ll both get there. I get what you mean about the clubbing, I went out a couple of times but I just don’t enjoy it. I feel like I’ve become the anti-social one in my flat because I’ve been so stressed with uni work that when I’m not working I just want to spend my evenings in my room watch netflix, so sometimes I don’t see my flatmates for days, which I feel really bad about but I tend to isolate myself when I’m stressed, and living with strangers gets overwhelming sometimes! House hunting is scary, I’ve since found one person to live with on my course so we’re trying to find others to house share with, it is very stressful but I really hope you find housemates! If you have a group of people you sit with in lectures etc maybe try asking them if they have any plans for housing next year? Even if they’ve already found housemates, they might know others who are looking for people and it’s just helpful to talk things through and know that you’re not alone in this situation 🙂 Please try not to stress too much about it, I know it’s hard but it will get sorted and you will find somewhere to live! I’m still looking at ways to carry on with French, I’m thinking maybe a summer school as politics only offers years abroad in America. I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your course!! Not long until the Christmas break when we can both rest and recharge! Em x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. hey! don’t stress yourself out, you’ll settle down fine. I know it’s really easy for me to say, but I can relate, I’m in my second year of uni this year, and honestly I don’t even know how I got so far.
    You know, ironically, I’ve always wanted to moving to completely different place where no one knew me, so I could be ME. well, not that I’m not comfortable where I am currently, it’s just that I guess I would feel less judged by people around me. I’ve always had people who know me around, if not at college, then at least in my neighbourhood, and this actually makes me feel very cautious of everything I do.
    I guess starting out new and fresh isn’t all rainbows and sunshine 🙂 anyway good luck with everything. hopefully you’ll become more comfortable and more YOU than ever 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Yeah that’s originally why I wanted to move somewhere new, to start a fresh and be me but now people have gotten to know me, it feels like I’m trapped in the same box of being the quiet one again, I guess I didn’t make enough of an effort to be more outgoing and open with people. But I’m sure by the end of the year I’ll be feeling a lot differently, uni is still very new and I need to give myself time to adjust, however long it takes. Thank you again 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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