Hello! This post is a culmination of thoughts that have been floating around my head for the best part of a month now, stemming from my trip to North Wales in late July.
I feel like I’ve learnt a lot in the past 6 months (ish). After my friendship group fell apart and I lost the close circle of people who made me happy (well, that’s before everything became a mess) I spent a great deal of time feeling lonely and lost. Being at sixth form kind of felt like being in a bubble. It was easy to forget that people, problems and life existed outside of those that I’d encounter everyday and couldn’t escape from. I thought losing these friends and being on the ‘outside’ of the bubble was the end of the world but as I later found out, it was the start of a new part of my life where I have a greater sense of self and inner-happiness that didn’t existed when I was wrapped up in friendships that weren’t made to last.
When I confided this to a good friend of mine, she reassured me that I will be happy if I try not to depend on others too much to make me happy. At first I sort of dismissed the idea that I depended on other people, but the more I started to think about it, the more I realised she was right. I was in a mindset where I thought the more people I surrounded myself, the happier I would be but even when I was surrounded by others, I would feel lonely and the only logical solution I could come up with was to shut myself off from everyone. Part of this mindset stemmed from the unhealthy relationship that I had with social media where I would think that because I wasn’t constantly doing stuff with my friends and posting it everywhere, I couldn’t be happy which is RIDICULOUS.
When I went to Wales, that week away, without social media, camping in the countryside really helped me to clear my head and sort through some repressed thoughts and feelings. It helped me to change my mindset and get a better perspective on life again.
The main point of this post was to talk about happiness, so let’s get back to that. For the longest time I’ve told myself that I won’t be truly happy until I can accept myself and I can’t accept myself until I know who I am. I am a very deep thinker and I strongly feel that I barely have a sense of who I am yet. But after yet more deep thinking, I’ve realised that this is okay, that I can be happy and find peace without knowing who I am. If I can accept myself no matter who I am, who I was and who I turn out to be, then I can be at peace with myself.
A while ago I talked about my crisis of identity specifically regarding what clothing I feel comfortable in and how I present myself and lately I’ve been feeling a lot happier about how I look. Finding clothing that you feel comfortable in really does help your self-confidence and I know I feel a lot happier when I’m wearing clothes that feel right on me, rather than trying to fit in with society’s ideals of what a teenage girl should wear. And I think the more comfortable I feel in what I’m wearing, the more ‘me’ I feel and the more I can be the person who I know I am inside but rarely gets shown on the outside. So I’ve made a bit of progress with accepting myself in that sense, knowing that I shouldn’t force myself to wear particular clothes to fit in. I still don’t know where this fits in relationship to my gender identity, but that’s okay.
This all sounds rather cliché, I know, as happiness can never be a constant state or emotion, otherwise we’d get used to it and take it for granted. For me, happiness is a journey of discovering more about myself, watching myself grow and finding my place in the world. I can’t be happy all the time, but I know that however low I am feeling, happiness will catch up with me again at some point in my life.
I think I’m becoming better at not depending on other people for happiness, thanks to the advice from my friend and the time spent reflecting on things and I hope that I will continue to become more comfortable with myself and grateful for life as time goes by.
I know this has been a little all over the place but sometimes I find it’s best to just splurge my thoughts out onto a (digital) page in order to make sense of them. 🙂
Greetings mes amis! As I’ve now finished A Levels (exactly two months ago) and will be going off to uni (exactly one month from now!), it’s fair to say I’ve had a lot of shopping to do in terms of supplies for uni.
I’ll be moving away from home – 121 miles away to be exact – hence I am going to be living in university halls. I was really excited to start buying bits and bobs….until I realised just how much you need to buy when you move out and how expensive it is! Nevertheless, I have enjoyed stocking up on the essentials this summer, so I thought I’d share with you a few of my favourite items so far (because if I showed you everything, it would be a VERY long and probably not very interesting post!).
My accommodation is self-catered, so I had to buy all the stuff for the kitchen too but luckily my duvet and pillows are provided by the uni so that saved me a bit of money!
(Also I’m sorry about the poor quality photos!! I am just,,,not good at blog photography oops. I’ve tried to include where I bought stuff from and prices if I can remember them too!)
T K Maxx/Homesense £3.99
Okay so coat hangers aren’t the most interesting of objects, BUT THESE ARE FLUFFY AND GREEN (grey??) AND I LOVE THEMMMMMM. Also I love the rose gold metal too! I have a feeling I’ll need more than 12 because I don’t have any drawers at uni so most of my clothes are going to have to hang, so I’ll either get another set or just take some from home.
London duvet – Argos – £11.99
Colourful duvet – Primark – £8
The first duvet cover I got is a sort of hand-drawn map of London. As I am moving to London, I couldn’t resist buying this!! The back of the duvet cover is black and white with London street signs on it.
The second one I got is a very brightly coloured one!! The photo is just the pillowcase because they are double duvet covers so I couldn’t fit it all in the shot, but the whole pattern as yellow, blue and red geometric shapes on it and on the other side it is just black and white polka dot.
Both of these items were in the sale so I don’t know if they’re still available!
(Also once I’ve moved in, I’ll probably do a little room tour so you can see what the duvets and other various items look like).
Dinner plate – Wilko – £2.50
Side plate – Wilko – £2.00
Bowl – Wilko – £2.00
My next favourites are my bowls and plates!! I bought two dinner plates, two side plates and two bowls in case I break some or have someone over to stay. The two plates are from the Mediterranean collection at Wilko which I just had to get after going to Marseille last year and falling in love with the Med! The bowl was from a different collection because the Mediterranean bowl was really flat (??) so it doesn’t really match the others but I still like it!
T K Maxx/Homesense – £14 (ish)
Okay so I know they’re just saucepans but???!!! THEY’RE BLUE. AHHH. I don’t really know what else to say lol. I think they were about £14 for both but I can’t remember the exact pricing!!
Office Outlet/Staples – Pukka Pad 200 pages – £1.99
Office Outlet/Staples – Campus Refill Pad 300 pages – £2.49
Office Outlet/Staples – Hole punch and stapler set – £3.99
Tesco – Crayola Super Tips 24 pack – £3 (ish)
I was thinking about doing a separate stationary haul but realistically I don’t think I’m going to need to buy a lot this year as I’ll reuse lots of stuff from sixth form. However, I did pick up four pads of paper because I get through so much of it!! And I needed a hole punch and stapler (after I broke mine last year trying to hole punch a 30 page document oops). My felt tip pens had been running out for a while so I treated myself to a 24 pack of Crayola ones (yes, I feel like a little kid but oh well) for bullet journalling and general revision! They should last ages since I won’t be using them all the time! All the stationary I bought was on sale at around half of their original price, which is why I stocked up on so much paper as it is usually so expensive!!
Sainsbury’s – £5
The last item in this mini haul are my cacti!! I already own two pot plants which I will be taking to uni with me but when I saw this trio of cacti I couldn’t resist!!! My mum and I have given them names haha. The little glass pots they are in are actually tea light holders from Flying Tiger (my fave shop) which were 2 for £2!!
I hope you’ve enjoyed this little haul. There are obviously many more items that I’ve had to buy for uni which I haven’t included (if I had I’d have to unpack all my boxes!!), but these are my favourites so far. I definitely need to get some more decorative bits for my room, although I am taking some stuff from home. I think I need to hit up Primark’s home ware section 😂
Right. I’ve already written this post out TWICE but somehow managed to lose the drafts?? (WordPress is CLEARLY conspiring against me!!!!!!!!). So now I’m handwriting it up in a notebook to type up later because I don’t trust technology anymore!!
As it was A Level results day last week, I thought I’d take some time to reflect on the past two years now that this chapter in my education has come to a close. I don’t know if this will be interesting but I like reflecting on things and can’t really believe A Levels are over???
For context, in the UK after you finish secondary school at 15/16, it is compulsory to staying education until you are 18 and one pathway you can choose to go down is studying A Levels and that is what I’ve been doing for the past two years. After having a bit of difficulty trying to narrow down which 3 (or 4) subjects I wanted to study, I finally settled on geography, history and French as these had been the subjects I enjoyed most at GCSE. I did contemplate taking law as well but decided to drop it on enrolment day as I wasn’t really interested in it. Even though the college tried to force me to take four A Levels due to my GCSE results claiming I’d “get better results” if I did four as it would “make me work harder” (I ranted about this here lol), I was happy with the three I chose.
I think it took me the best of September to December of Year 12 to settle in at college. Everything was new to me. I had to take an hour bus journey instead of a short walk, my timetable was very different with lots of free time that I had to learn to manage effectively, the workload was very demanding and I was surrounded my so many new people. However, all of these new experiences have really helped me to become a lot more independent and confident.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ve probably read my various rants about my different A Level subjects (perhaps I’ll link some of my A Level related posts at the bottom of this one in case they’re useful to someone??). I think when you study subjects in such a level of depth as you do at A level, you soon discover what you’re most interested in and best at. Although I loved geography at GCSE, the A Level really was an uphill battle. I definitely enjoyed most of what we were learning and the broader perspective it gave me on global issues, however the scientific and geological aspects really weren’t my strong points, not to mention the maths! I probably did the most independent work for geography as well as it just took me forever to get my head around things. At the end of Year 12, I kind of wished I could drop geography as I didn’t know how I would cope with another year of it, but I persevered and I’m so glad I did. In my exam recap, I explained how badly I thought the geography exams went. I feel like I never really understood how to do the geography exams?? Or answer the questions?? I think my brain just works differently to how a geographers brain should, and it didn’t help that my teacher didn’t really understand what the examiners wanted from us and didn’t like marking our work. Either way, geography was definitely my hardest subject. I’m just so glad I spent so many hours writing and re-writing my coursework because my results last week confirmed that the exams didn’t go too well, especially Paper 1 and 2, so my coursework really saved me there! (And thank goodness for low grade boundaries!!!!!!!).
As for history, I didn’t really enjoy the course as much as I’d hoped. History had always been my favourite subject and I was sure I wanted to study it at uni but I just?? I don’t know what it was but I just didn’t love it that much. It’s not that the content wasn’t interesting as I did like the paper about changing democracy in Britain in the 20th century and the coursework on the origins of the Holocaust, I think I just realised it wasn’t for me anymore and I wanted to broaden my mind and knowledge in other ways. I still worked really hard for history though, and the exams went really well so the hard work really paid off!!
French was the subject I was most apprehensive about because back in Year 11 when I chose my A Levels, I was very quiet and wouldn’t contribute in class, so I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do a subject that depended so heavily on speaking and having confidence. However taking French has been the best thing I’ve ever done. It really has changed me and I have so much more confidence now!! Languages are so rewarding to study and out of all of my subjects, I made the most progress in French across the two years. I barely knew French grammar or could string more than a sentence together when I started, and somehow I managed to do a 20 minute speaking exam, write essays on a book and film and complete translations with decent accuracy???? I was just SO SHOCKED when I opened my results because I couldn’t believe how much progress I’d made??? It’s so hard to maintain a constant grade in languages as it really depends on the paper and what comes up. Literally the week before my final French exam – the literature/film essays – we did a mock and I got a D which really threw my confidence as I’d been getting As and Bs all year, but I worked so, so hard after that and managed to write the best essays I’ve ever written in the final exam??? I just CAN’T believe that I did it and got the grade that I wanted????!!?! AHHHH.
I can remember in first year being very nervous before our fortnightly speaking sessions or before reading passages in class, even translations were scary when we first started doing them and now they’ve become something that I love. I’m so, so glad that I’ve had such a good teacher over the past two years and supportive classmates. Some of my best memories from college come from French and I’d love to do it all over again.
As you can probably tell, I am most happy about my French result because I just fell in love with subject and when you do well at something you love, it’s such an amazing feeling. I am proud of my other results too though. I know I could’ve gotten better results in different circumstances but there’s always more work you can do but that doesn’t mean you need to (this me is attempting to deal with perfectionist part of my brain lol). I still can’t believe my friends and I have made it through A Levels and are now going on to the next stages of our lives. It’s a very surreal feeling.
I know this has been a bit rambly, but as you can probably tell I’m just a liiiiittle bit emotional after results day. I’m so happy with what I achieved and it feels SO STRANGE that I never have to do A Levels again?? I’m a bit sad about finishing college in a way because although it had it’s fair share of drama, stress and tears, I feel like the struggle of A Levels really has shaped me as a person. I can’t quite put my finger on it but reading back through some of my posts from Year 12 and 13 just feels so weird?? Like, I can’t believe how much my friends and I have changed. I will definitely cherish the good memories!! I didn’t miss secondary school after I left, but I will definitely miss college.
I sincerely hope that everyone who received A Level results last week got the grades that they needed to progress onto their next step. You should be so proud of yourselves for making it through and I hope you can look back on A Levels with some good memories in spite of the all the stress!! Good luck to anyone collecting GCSE results this week too 🙂
I’ve linked some previous posts about A Levels from the past two years in case they might be helpful! This will be the last post I ever write about A Levels so from now on you are free from my rants haha 😂
A Level study/revision tips (this is from Year 12 so by Year 13 I’d developed a few new ways of studying but these tips may still be useful!!)
A few weeks ago, I ventured off on a camping holiday with my family to Snowdonia, North Wales. As the unorganised blogger I am, I’m only just getting round to sitting down and writing about the experience of climbing Snowdon, Wales’ highest mountain. For me, this was one of the highlights of the trip as it proved to be quite an emotional experience, so I thought instead of doing a whole series of travel posts like with Amsterdam, I’d focus on climbing the mountain. 🙂
Now it’s hard to imagine just how big a mountain is until you’ve seen one and even whilst driving through Snowdonia on the way to our campsite, I just couldn’t believe the sheer size of the mountains there, let alone get my head around the fact that I would be climbing one!
Snowdon itself is 1088 m high – or 3568 ft, if you prefer. This wasn’t my first experience of mountain climbing though. In 2011 I went to Austria with my Scout group and we descended a Tyrolean mountain (can’t remember which one) after taking the ski lift. However, the prospect of climbing up a mountain was more daunting as I wasn’t sure if I’d be physically fit enough to do it.
We chose to climb Snowdon on the third day of our holiday to give us time to settle in to life at the campsite and also give the drizzly weather a chance to pass us by. We didn’t want it to be swelteringly hot like back home (we did go away in the height of the heat wave but it was cooler in North Wales than at home in Somerset) but we also didn’t want to hike in the rain. Luckily, the weather on the day we went wasn’t too bad. It was very cloudy though, so much so that we couldn’t actually see the summit from the ground, but it was cool and dry so we were happy.
I was a little apprehensive about hiking in the fog/mist/clouds (??) because I know how dangerous it can be if you get lost in the fog, however as we were walking one of the more moderate and well-traversed paths, my parents reassured me that we would be fine and wouldn’t lose our way.
One of the hardest parts of the climb turned out to be the very beginning when we were ascending the foothills before actually setting foot on the mountain. There was a very steep zig-zagging path through a sheep farm that was very hard going on your legs and lungs – I struggled to catch my breath and had to rest many times!
I did wonder at this point if I would be able to complete the 8 mile trip up and down the mountain if I was struggling on the first bit, but my determination to reach the summit made me persevere and I’m so glad I did.
The next part of the route was fairly flat as we walked along the foothills towards Snowdon. The mountain itself is sort of nestled between other, smaller mountains and hills so you have to cross these hills before you actually reach Snowdon.
Starting the ascent of Snowdon was required some climbing and scrambling the terrain was very rocky and the path zig-zagged between large rocks jutting from the mountainside. It actually felt like we were walking through the set of Doctor Who or something, it wasn’t like anyone I’ve ever walked before and the Austrian mountains were certainly very different! The looming cloud made it feel slightly eerie too.
The higher we ascended up this steep section of the mountain, the further into the cloud we plunged. At some points it seemed as if the clouds were moving up the mountain with us but then the wind would force the down again, surrounding us. Walking through clouds is a strange experience – in some places our field of vision was restricted to a two metre radius, and by the time we’d reached the top, we were quite wet as if we’d been in a rain shower due to the water vapour that forms the clouds and clings to your body.
Once we’d reached the top of the first ‘peak’, there was a flat area of ground where – if the cloud cleared – you could see the nearby town of Llanberis, where many walkers choose to start their ascent from. At this point, we had no idea how far we’d walk and even less idea of how far we had left to go. We still couldn’t see the summit and the path ahead disappeared into the cloud so it was sort of a guessing game really.
The next section felt like it lasted forever as if time had stood still. The path wasn’t particularly steep, more like a gradual slope, but it was at this point in the climb that we began to feel the temperature dropping and as we were even further into the cloud, the fog became much thicker, even distorting the sound of jet planes flying over the mountain. It was really quite disorientating not being able to see the planes over head. They felt a lot closer than they probably were.
Since we’d started climbing the mountain, we’d barely passed any other walkers. I don’t know if it was because the weather put people off, but we probably encountered only about 3 or 4 other groups of people. Their shadows would emerge in the fog, they’d pass us by and encourage us to keep going and then disappear back into the fog. At some points, we were very relieved when this happened as it really didn’t feel like we were anywhere on Earth.
The cloud also was disorientating in the sense that it distorted images too. I remember debating with my family many times whether a vague lump in the distance was a sheep (as there were many sheep on the mountain) or a rock. Some of the sheep just looked huge! I even mistook a seagull for a llama, which sounds rather stupid, but I saw a long neck emerging through the fog which looked much bigger than any seagull I’ve ever seen, so I just presumed it was a llama!
Even though passers-by kept reassuring us we were nearly at the top, it really didn’t mean anything when you can’t see where you’re heading anyway. The summit still felt miles away.
It wasn’t until we heard – and saw – the Snowdon mountain train emerge through the cloud, heading down the mountain, that we really felt we were almost there, as at this point the route we were following joined with another path so we encountered many more people, both going up and down the mountain.
Although we still couldn’t see much, we knew we were walking along the top ‘edge’ of the mountain, on our way to it’s peak, as the path had flattened out and it was considerably colder. We were later informed that it was actually 10 degrees at the top, compared to 24 at the bottom. We were glad we’d brought extra layers with us as we’d walked the majority in just shorts and t-shirts!
This was one of my favourite parts of the climb as as we were heading towards the summit, the path was lined by large pointed rocks sticking vertically out of the ground, and as we couldn’t see much more than a metre either side of us, we had no idea how high up we were or how close we were to the edge. It was thrilling, in a way, knowing whether was a large descent but not knowing how close we were to danger. If it was a clear day, however, I probably wouldn’t have like it as much as I’m not a big fan of heights.
Eventually the rocky path gave way to steps heading upwards and we could see the vague shape of the summit itself in the distance, people swarming round to take photos.
To reach the summit itself, you had to walk up some large spiral stone steps. At this point, our legs were so tired we ended up crawling up the steps. Also this was out of fear because we couldn’t see either side of the steps so we had no idea how close the land below was if we fell. (We probably looked like right idiots haha).
My mum almost didn’t make it to the summit as she has problems with her knees but we persuaded her to do it as she’d made it so far, she couldn’t let a few steps defeat her!
The trig point on the summit itself told you how far it was to other places in Wales and around the world, but I didn’t want to hang around up there too long to read things because I was starting to feel a little be wary of how high we were!
It was an exhilarating feeling to reach the summit though, knowing that I’d overcome physical challenges in the three hours it took us to ascend, but also mental challenges in motivating myself to carry on. It sounds strange but I’ve never felt more alive than I did on that mountain. I was tired yet so energised and my mind felt so refreshed. In a funny way I couldn’t help feeling that the climb had been a bit of a metaphor for life because once I’d overcome the challenge of climbing the mountain, I felt like I could overcome any obstacle that life threw at me. I felt strong. And even though we were wading through fog for most of the hike, we knew we had to keep going and trust that our feet would lead us where we needed to go, even if we couldn’t see the path ahead. That made me feel that even when things feel foggy in life, I’ve got to keep going, keep fighting. I think I needed that revelation, more than anything else about the experience. It really helped me to regain my perspective on life again after a difficult few months mental health-wise.
Anyway, let me get back on track. After reaching the summit and taking a few photos, we went into the visitor centre. It felt strange that somewhere so natural and far from modern life had been commercialised – with train and now the visitor centre. Either way, I was happy to have somewhere warm to rest my feet, eat and buy a few souvenirs (now I can say I’ve been there, done that and (literally) got the t-shirt!).
I think people who had taken the train up that day were a little disappointed that they couldn’t admire the view from the top because the cloud was so thick but we were happy that we’d made it, and climbing the mountain proved to be more about completing the challenge rather than admiring the view for my family and I.
After about an hours rest, we headed back down the mountain with a new-found spring in our step. The paths that we had traversed earlier which felt like they were never-ending we now descended with ease and we walked down about twice as quickly as we’d gone up.
The cloud still hadn’t really cleared, but when we’d reached the sort of viewpoint again where you could look over Llanberis, the cloud did clear for a few minutes so we could get a glimpse of the view (from about a third of the way up the mountainside).
We stopped again at the top of the second zig-zag section we’d walked up, where I took a few photos of the view across from Snowdon.
It turns out walking down the very first zig-zag section through the sheep farm was just has hard as walking up had been. it really does take a toll on your knees, walking down a steep slope.
Eventually, we got back to the car and our time on the mountainside was over. It was a bit sad, in a way, as we had to go back to reality now, but I was still very proud that we’d all managed to it.
In an amusing turn of events, as we were driving away from the mountain, the cloud around the top completely cleared! It was so ironic we had to stop to take a photo of the whole mountain. If only the cloud had cleared just a few hours earlier when we were at the summit we would have been able to witness the stunning views!
All in all though, climbing Snowdon the hard way was everything I expected it to be and more. I’m so grateful that my parents were willing to drive almost 6 hours to take us to the beautiful place that is Snowdonia. By the end of our long week away, I had grown quite attached to the scenery and didn’t want to leave.
I know someday I want to return and climb Snowdon again, to feel the emotions I felt up on the mountainside again. But for now all I can do is plan my next adventure and keep hold of these memories. 🙂
Hello! Hope you’ve had a lovely weekend so far. The weather has been grey and rainy here (and probably across most of the UK) so I’ve been having a cosy weekend in 🙂 Today I bring you the Random Facts About Me Q&A which the lovely Megan tagged me in (you should go follow her amazing blog!!). I’ve had so many blog post ideas lately but I just can’t seem to start writing them???? Or I start a draft then decide that it isn’t interesting enough to post anyway but I’m hoping this tag will get me back into the swing of things.
Without further or do, here are the questions!
When was the last time you cried?
Sometime last week as I was having a bit of a breakdown about cooking (learning to cook for uni is really stressing me out and my parents keep bringing up how useless I am. But I’m getting there!! I could for my family three times this weekend!)
If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?
Hopefully. I mean, I am quite odd – my family could back me up here, I randomly quote songs or speech from adverts/films/TV programs or start singing at multiple times throughout the day so I’m probably abit annoying but I try to be a loyal and caring friend so??? Probably. 😂
Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Not really. Well sometimes I do but I wouldn’t say I am naturally sarcastic but sometimes sarcasm just comes to me! Idk AHH!!
What’s the first thing that you notice about people?
Their smile. I’m quite a smiley person and I usually look to see if other people reciprocate my smile when I first meet them. 🙂
Scary movie or happy endings?
Definitely happy endings!!!
Campfires, bread and cinnamon. (If someone could make a candle out of all three scents that would be gr8).
What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?
A little village called Stanzach in Austria where I stayed on a Scout camp. Although the furthest I’ve been ‘independently’ without ‘adults’ (funny bc we were all technically adults) would be Amsterdam where I traveled last month with two friends.
Do you have any special talents?
Not really, I can juggle but that’s not very special 😂
Where were you born?
In my hometown in Somerset!!
What are your hobbies?
Blogging is my main hobby, but I also like to be arty and paint/sketch/make things. I can play the guitar and am learning the keyboard but I don’t play my instruments very often.
What did you want to be when you grew up?
The first career I remember wanting to go into was being a scientist as I got a really cool science book for my birthday once. Then alongside that I simultaneously wanted to be an artist, a zookeeper and a professional cricketer. Then a vet at one point, then a historian and now I’m not heading down any of those paths 😂😂
How many countries have you been to?
England, Wales, Scotland, France, Germany, Austria, The Netherlands. So 7 but we can’t really count England right??
What was your favourite/worst favourite subject at school?
I think I had a lot of favourites at secondary school – history, geography and French being the main three which I carried on at A Level. I think my least favourite became science because I didn’t get on with my teacher at all (which is a shame because it put me off doing science altogether) but also English, mainly because we only got to study American literature and I never got to study Shakespeare at all 😦 Also English wasn’t taught very well at my school. Maybe that’s a little unusual as I like writing and reading generally but just not having to do English at school.
What is your favourite drink?
Hot drink would have to be hot chocolate and cold drink would probably be a smoothie!!
What would you (or have you) named your kids?
Haven’t really thought about it so I have no idea 😂
Who are some of your favourite Youtubers?
My fellow blogger pal Janet Bargmann 😉 and study Youtubers like Holly Gabrielle and Eve Bennett. Although I don’t watch a great deal of YouTube!
How many boyfriends have you had?
What is your favourite memory from childhood?
Ahh like Megan I can’t pick just one?! So a few would be dressing up with my sister and performing plays for our parents, making an elaborate Doctor Who game with my friends in primary school and writing a script for it and picking blackberries with my family in the Autumn!
How would you describe your fashion sense?
I don’t really know how to describe it because it changes a lot?? But I generally wear a lot of shirts and jeans and either brogues or DM-style boots. (My friend and I have a running joke about my wardrobe being full of shirts…it literally is though I’m a bit of a shirt addict)
Tell us one of your bad habits?
Spending too much time getting sucked into social media instead doing actual productive things.
Hope you enjoyed reading my answers. I’ve been wanting to do a tag like this for a while so you get to know a bit more about me 🙂 If you would like to do this tag, all you’ve got to do is answer the questions above!
The amount of past-midnight posts I’ve written and not bothered publishing in the past few weeks is reaching a worrying amount but maybe I’ll actually post these sleep-deprived musings for once.
So, I’ve just got back from a night out. Or what was supposed to be. I’m the type of person that gets very, very stressed before certain social events that I am not 100% comfortable with and as I am not used to going out clubbing, this was sort of out of my comfort zone a bit. So before even going out, I was already feeling very anxious – I was worrying about all kinds of things like not being able to find my friends in the pub, getting lost and even the possibility that my friends would stand me up (because I’m just a bit paranoid at the moment when it comes to friendships). The friends I was meeting I’ve known for a long time but hadn’t seen them since exams in June, so that also made me nervous because I wasn’t sure if things were going to be awkward between us.
Eventually I managed to persuade myself to go and I found my friends and for a little while the nerves calmed down but to cut a long (boring) story short, I ended up being so stressed and overwhelmed that I felt really nauseous and on the verge of breaking down in tears (which is what happened the last time I drank so I think me and alcohol just don’t mix anymore). So I came home early before we’d even made it to the club, however I’m still proud of myself for actually going out to town on my own, I might add, to meet these friends when it would have been all too easy to say I couldn’t make it, as I have done in the past with social events for a multitude of (mostly irrational) reasons. So I think that counts as some progress???
Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was what was making me feel overwhelmed. When I was with my friends, I kept thinking about how much I’ve changed since June and how different I am. I felt as if I’d been living in a different world to them these past few months and I can’t relate to them as much anymore. I guess I have changed. I’ve been making a conscious effort to really work on my self-esteem and confidence and find what makes me feel alive, as such. It felt like they didn’t know me anymore, the real me, because they hadn’t witnessed how I’ve changed and I hadn’t been there to see how they’ve changed too. It kind of made me sad, in a way, as I’ve known these people since Year 7 and although I’ve never been as close to them as they are to eachother, I am grateful for their friendship and we’ve shared many happy memories, but I’ve realised we’re on diverging paths that are growing farther and farther apart.
Going out last night really did prove to me that that just isn’t me. Sure having a laugh with friends is great, but the pressure around going out and drinking really makes me uncomfortable and I find it hard to relax enough to enjoy the experience. Let alone I can’t dance so if I do ever make it to a club I feel very awkward. I also wore a skirt because I feel there is also a pressure surrounding how you should dress on a night out, even though I didn’t feel comfortable or like myself wearing such clothing and make-up. It was like I was trying to be someone who I am not, who I maybe used to want to be but now have realised I can’t force myself to be something I am not.
Another thing that got me thinking was that we bumped into an old friend who I’d known for about 12 years then sadly drifted away from. She chatted with me for a bit whilst I waited for my parents to pick me up. It was strange because I haven’t seen her for over a year, yet I feel like she instantly knew me better than the friendship group I was out with. Talking to her for a few minutes felt familiar and easy because although I’ve changed a lot since I last saw her, when we were good friends she really knew me and I could be more myself around her than my other friends.
I read something a few days ago, can’t remember where, about not feeling like you fit in with your friends and I could certainly relate to it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy spending time with this group or value their friendship, it just often feels like I’m the odd one out. I have a stronger sense of who I am now then when I last saw my friends. Whereas fitting in used to be my main priority – or trying to at least – I know now that you can’t make yourself fit into a group of people who are very different from you.
So as you can tell, the supposed night out didn’t quite turn out how I expected and I am now lying in bed with hundreds of questions floating around my head and I can’t quite out my finger in the answers. I guess realising now who I am and who I am not means I am probably ready to move on, to move to uni and meet a more diverse range of people. This whole experience felt like stepping backwards into a former version of myself that I left behind long ago and that I don’t really want to be again. Like trying on old clothes that no longer fit. I retreated into myself and became very quiet again as I was for a long time. I used to think that being shy was all I could ever be, but now I know there is more to me, I am a whole person with interests and positive traits and important things to say, but most people only get to see the quiet version of me. I’ve realised in some social situations, I really don’t show any of my personality at all – it must be like talking to a brick wall sometimes, it’s a wonder I still have friends. However I want to be ‘me’ all the time. It’s going to be hard to break down these walls which have been ingrained in me for so, so long and are very complex, but I’m determined to try.
I do hope I can keep in contact with my friends though, as I will miss them at uni, but I think it’s time I branched off a bit and found people who I can really relate to and be myself around.
Hope you found some enjoyment or interest in these random musings! I’m sure I will look back on this in a few months time and realised I have changed again. But for now I must try to sleep off this banging headache and nausea.